I'm lost on my path.

Suddenly came to realised that I couldn't really control my temper and emotion lately.

Especially when a lot of things come together at once like a huge tidal wave after a tranquil and serene period. I couldn't fit in the situation well. I couldn't adapt.

I wish to step out of my comfort zone to fill myself with everything and every chances that I'm given or I could grab to accumulate experiences as well as knowledges as some aids to my future. I thought that these are crucial as the major determinant of success.

I went for interviews, looked for jobs, joined clubs and societies, organized events, walked extra miles to followed up each and every tiny details of anything I would probably miss without cautious and kind perusal.

I'm taking up responsibilities, enhancing my leadership skills, trying to improve my English proficiency and attempting to look for all the best opportunities to make myself a better person.

Consequently, I realised that I became a stronger person with higher efficiency and capability than before that I thought I need the most for myself. I became more and more of a realistic and practical person. Rationality grows in me.

But at the same time, I lost my sensation, consideration, toleration, feelings and emotional wise. I often laugh but I don't really feel happy at times.

It seems like I couldn't find my balance on my way.
I do not know whether I should emphasize on which end of my personalities and how can I do that or how can I balance them.

I used to be very selfless and now very selfish. I put myself on others' shoes a lot but now I can only see myself.

I don't know how to convert all my inner conflicts into words exactly but I know something is wrong on me. Very wrong.

I couldn't pinpoint what exactly is it and couldn't decide to what extend should I go for rationality / passion / emotions / capability / friendship etc.

I feel like I mess up everything. Every pieces of me is just like a shit. Nothing is right.

I thought that I will be growing as long as I'm willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when I try something new that would make a change to my life!

Yes, I do change. But where am I? I'm lost in my path. I know I should be more optimistic and inculcate myself with more positive thinking that I need the most, but I just end up with this negative post. :/

Save me.

Maybe I'm just too tired. This post is driven by the effect of the powerful insomnia.

Indecisive

I thought that I am mature enough to handle this. I thought that I had made a choice in between them and that's it. Cynically, full stop can be followed by a new sentence.

Sometimes, time would not tell you the answer. Your heart would not as well. Perhaps there is no right answer.

As long as the fuse doesn't appear,  the problem will deposit quietly underneath the sea, becoming sediment. However, if it does, things are muddled up and they could be really annoying and irritating.

I always have a problem in which I'm very indecisive on small to big matters. I thought that the only reason is I don't want myself to feel regret on my choices in the future.

Up until today,  I realised that the pivotal reason is I actually don't want to hurt either side/anyone, so I chose to be ignorant of the need to make decisions.

Hence, people eventually will make decisions for me. I thought that I do not need to bear with it as it is not a decision by my own and I have no responsibility on it. But I was wrong. Ultimately, I have to be responsible on people's choices.

The problem is, they make decisions based on their point of view, it might not align with mine nor appropriate for me, but I might not be aware of that as well, until it is too late for me to change the decision.

Furthermore, there are certain elements that would lead to further complication which makes life tougher. Most of the time, there is a trade off between two choices, yet the third choice has yet to be exist/figure out.

For example, the current situation is in A's favour and it had always been in this way, but on the other hand, it's really unfair to B which is clueless and helpless of not getting any chance to remedy.

What should I do? Go for the sake of A and continue to ignore B? Or give a chance to B and take the risk to hurt A?

Why do I have to bear with this?
#DivorcedParentsProblems